my heart aches for black girls that have to grow up in secrecy.
whose development is shrouded in embarrassment & misery because she knows already that rape is reserved for those whose existence is a blemish.
that she cant smile. she cant breathe. she cant sing. without being a burden. without being a target. punished for existing. despised & hated for just being you.
my heart breaks for the girls who see their black skin only as a detriment, a discourse to be labeled incapable & worst of all, ugly.
i think of the girls who will never know their worth & will never understand why they suffer so. as if any reason were good enough. but any explanation might suffice. just so she could make sense of it all. all the shit & the sadness. & the lonlieness. & the dirty feeling.
who never feel deserving of love & respect & space & a opinion & happiness.
who met their puberty & breasts & periods with exhaustion of a life that is already too hard. too unfulfilled. too fearful.
“here’s another thing that will bring me shame. that will make it hard for me to be ok. to be safe.”
& i think of the girls who grow up to be womyn who never were able to connect. who were so cut off that they were forced to just make due, to do the best they could. while never getting the opportunity they deserve to do more. to be more. to have more. to experience more.
& i cry tears for myself. & for all the other girls who never had a childhood. cuz it was tainted by mixed nastiness violent aggressive sex pain misogyny family shit.
& i mourn what could have been. & what i could have had.
& wonder if ill ever be whole. if ill ever meet myself again. if we’ll ever cross paths so that i can tell her i love her.
i wonder if being black can ever mean something ALL good. instead of trying to find the good crouched & clouded in the dark bad.
i wonder if being a woman means something else. ANYTHING else besides rape & nastiness. & hurt & pain. & pain in your groin & in your head. & in your relationships. & in your body.
& you wonder, & you feel that maybe if the pain was just physical. you might do a better job of ignoring it.
but you know its more than that. deep inside.
but everyday. you push yourself. because you know anything. has to be better than this stank ass misery. this bullshit ass emotion. this useless hopelessness. this crazy ass lingering. this pain. & this struggle. & you try to make good of it. but nothing is worth the thick of this. the stench of this. the feeling that you’re trapped in misery & you’ll never get out. the loss of hope. & full smiles. & the loss of the joy of love. & sex.
& everything just seems confusing. & painful. & catastrophic. & nothing is as bad as that.
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